“Sooner or later, the feminine face of God, Love, looks us straight in the eye, and although her love may manifest as rage at our self-destruction, she’s there.” – Marion Woodman.
As most of you know from reading “Red Hot and Holy” or listening to my talks, one of the greatest teachings I’ve received thus far in my life came from the mystic Andrew Harvey, who raged at me (fire-hosed me) for two straight hours 5 years ago. It was highly embarrassing, hugely humiliating, incredibly uncomfortable, and – from my spiritually-correct, Northern-Californian, therapized, women-circled “let’s all be accepting” positive perspective – “mean,” “harsh,” and “unkind.”
He called me a whore. He told me I was selling out the Divine Feminine, which I had devoted my entire life to serving. He poked at my website and my professional persona (which at that time didn’t feel like a persona). He told me I was being patriarchy’s puppet, a spiritual sex object created for other people’s viewing pleasure, and oh, so very much more.
I had to make a choice that rough day: let my spiritual and professional identity, pride, wounds, and ego defenses misinterpret this fierce feminine “critique,” or sense if Something Deeper and more meaningful was attempting to happen through the imperfect, but devoted Andrew.
My creative partner (who also got his shit royally called out by Andrew-Kali), chose to interpret what happened as mostly “Andrew’s stuff” – Andrew’s projections, shadows, spiritual ego, and his known habit of “slamming” spiritual people publicly or “attacking but not teaching.” And that is a valid choice to make, and not entirely untrue.
That day, I felt the temptation to choose this perspective as well. I knew Andrew had his own issues, faults and shadows. I also knew my career was backed by positive and sincere intentions. I worked my ass off spiritually and professionally so I could be a clear and conscious vessel. I knew my spiritual experiences and practices – and what I was sharing of them publicly – were legit and real. I knew my heart of hearts wanted to serve other women. And above all else, I knew my devotion to the Divine Feminine was pure and it was my passionate devotion to the Divine Feminine, (which thankfully is stronger than my devotion to my self, my mission, and my career), that made the choice for me.
While recognizing “Andrew’s stuff,” I still chose to step directly into Her Line of Fire, which I could also sense raging through him that sunny day in Northern California. I sacrificed what I was at that time to what She needed me to become.
And everything in my life that wasn’t in alignment with Her burned to ashes (most of which, I was not conscious of at that time).
As I allowed my meaningful spiritual career and all sources of my income to go up in smoke, which was scary as hell (uh, what about my reputation? My professional contracts? My service to others? My bills? Rent? Food?), I knew that was just the external sacrifice. The internal sacrifice was a whole lot harder and a much tougher practice. And it continues to this day. But while my finances are still low and my professional options continue to shrink, I’m living and serving others in Ways that were not possible for me to live and serve before the fire hosing: Her Ways. And I’m so fucking grateful.
I’m clear now that the fire hosing I received via Andrew/Kali wasn’t due to a lack of love or compassion, but rather the exact opposite – it demonstrated just how much Andrew/Kali loved the shit out of me. S/he loved me enough to call out the crap I wasn’t entirely willing to be conscious of yet but that was keeping me from being truly free, truly alive, and truly of Service. And S/he had to swing that flaming sword super strong and extra wide because I was influencing and impacting more than just me – but an entire audience I cared so deeply about…an entire audience of women and men that SHE cares so deeply about.
This eye-opening, heart-cracking, skin-flaming experience reminded me that every choice, every word, every action I do on this planet – no matter my good intentions and spiritual beliefs – has repercussions, and if my karma and dharma involves impacting more than just a close circle of friends, family and peers, then I HAVE to be vigilant and take responsibility on levels I never before knew existed.
Bottom Line: Andrew loved me enough to call my shit out in a way no smooth-talking, spiritually-correct, therapeutically-careful human could have done successfully – and my entire life, energy, and concept of Love radically changed as a result. I began to grow up, spiritually speaking. I learned how not to fear or judge my own or others’ lead, but recognize it as a necessary and transformative pathway to gold.
It’s been a painful process facing my shadows, wounds, and spiritual ego’s ambitions. It’s been a long and lonely journey of learning how to accept and forgive myself, accept and forgive others, and accept and forgive the Bigger Plan we are all co-creating together and role-playing for each other. And it’s been a humbling, awkward and terrifying experience to relearn (and relearn and relearn) how to Serve Her on Her terms (not anyone or anything else’s terms), make Her my fundamental Source of Life, and trust that She knows how to provide for me (and for all of us struggling with how to be supported while doing our service) better than the matrix and any well-packaged professional promise.
My experience with Andrew taught me that if I truly wanted to serve the Divine Feminine not only did I need to be willing to be Fire-Hosed regularly, but I also needed to be willing to turn into a Divine Feminine Fire Hose for others when I was genuinely being called to do so.
And that is what I was called to do by writing and posting my priestess post last night (although I didn’t know it at the time). For a recovering people-pleaser, good girl, introverted, shy, stage-frightened, hyper-sensitive, skinny white woman hermit with freckles – allowing myself to be a Red Feminine Fire Hose – publicly – scares me more than attending a year-long private retreat in the desert with Andrew/Kali.
That said, I certainly wasn’t “trying” to be a Fire Hose via that priestess post (my experience with Andrew-Kali was far from my conscious awareness when I was guided to write and post it), and I’m not claiming that I was channeling Kali at you like Andrew channeled Kali at me or that what I wrote could create a similar change in your life as Andrew did in mine (if you (just) let it).
But, I am hoping to remind us all that Holy Rage is an often misunderstood, yet deeply needed feminine and masculine force on this planet, especially in the spiritual arena, and unfortunately it has no other medium except us imperfect flawed humans…yet, that doesn’t mean we should dismiss it’s fiery elements of truth.
There are important energetic differences between judgment and discernment, condemnation and critique, compassion and fierce compassion, Mommy and Mama Bear, a therapist and Kali, spiritually-correct collars and feminine fire-hoses, being triggered/projecting versus courageously calling out a lack of coherence and lack of integrity in the collective (which we are all responsible for): “Uh – the Priestess ain’t wearing any clothes, y’all!”
While I’m a flawed human with my own shadows and issues, I’m clear that what was mostly Hissing (and Hosing) through me wasn’t just coming from my shadows and issues – but from our collective Whole of She.
And ladies, from my fire-hosed perspective, “She” IS Pissed about us priestesses misusing our power and roles and submitting to a system that is not ultimately serving our freedom or Her Radically Loving Reality. And I’m in no position to judge Her (or others) for it, or to allow my spiritual beliefs or psychological preferences of how the Divine Feminine and women should act/sound/be get in Her Way.
How you interpret what I have just shared and previously hosed in the priestess post is your right, and I deeply respect the fact that everyone grows differently (some of us grow stronger in fire, some of us grow stronger in water) but this is my truth, my practice, my devotion and after 5 years of nearly non-stop fiercely-compassionate fire-hosing from Her (via a variety of messy mediums and imperfect humans), I’m only just beginning to occasionally be called to be HER Hose. And as many of you know – being Her occasional fire or water hoses yourself – it’s not exactly easy.
Sometimes She comes through me softly, like a gentle, floating red feather (I’ll post the video of my feathery dialogue with Tami Simon from the Wake Up event in a few days) and sometimes She comes through me like a raging bull aimed at a very specific target. And my struggling-to-keep-up human ego tends to judge both.
So, I understand if what I share bothers you (on an ego level and a deeper level), and you are free to leave my page and go read someone that feels more resonant and more appropriate…like the Pink Lady…
because ladies and gentlemen, (un)fortunately, She’s only just beginning to rev my engines and it’s gonna be a wild and bumpy public ride, cause She doesn’t “do” maps, paved roads, spiritual correctness or seatbelts….and She sings totally off key.
But no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, no matter how clear I allow Her to roar (or how quiet) or how much I fuck up (or pound pure) Her message, I want to remind you what your heart knows if you know Her (or me) at all:
I shall leave you with one more quote:
“The rage of the goddess is highly conscious, like a blinding flash of light that shoots from her third eye and unfailingly finds it’s target…” – Jalaja Bonheim
One of Her targets right now – Her priestesses’ asses.