This morning was rough. I woke up writhing with “Sarah’s” grief, terror and confusion – all she could remember from the womb on that not-so-“Good Friday” around 2000 years ago. Her trauma tightened my hamstrings, ached my lower back, contracted my uterus and closed my heart. While these feelings of hers and my body’s reactions to them aren’t unfamiliar, they have amped up considerably since I’ve started to write Redvelations this holy week.
I went to a new acupuncturist at noon. She’s a gifted intuitive witchy healer that I’m so grateful to find in my new city. When she asked what’s up I responded like I do to most humans who ask me how things are going these days, “oh you know, I’m just going through some intense stuff.” She watched me closely. I avoided her eyes. I could feel the tsunami of tears building because part of what is so damn painful about this “Sarah” piece of me is not being able to speak about it for the fear of sounding like a total freak monkey.
My acupuncturist said, “Sera, you can say anything to me, seriously, anything.”
I felt something beginning to crack and I mumbled, “this is sort of a crap day for my lineage.”
She didn’t flinch and asked me to continue.
I took a deep inhale, the exhaustion of self-censure starting to crack parts of me open…
“Look, I know this is going to sound absolutely bat shit crazy, but please know I have done a tremendous amount of work around this for years and I’m not delusional or inflated or riding off some new age syndrome or spiritual fantasy, but…”
My throat closed. I could feel the wall start to thicken again, to protect, to keep out…
She said it again, “Sera you can tell me anything…really, nothing shocks me anymore.”
Crack, crack crack….fuck it.
“OK…I have this weirdly intimate connection with Sarah, the daughter of JC and MM, but I’m not, like, Christian. Well, I don’t think they were either. And I know I’m not the only one with this connection to her. Anyway, I feel every aspect of Sarah’s life in my own body and it affects my daily life enormously and she happens to be triggered as all shit today because this is the day it all went downhill for her. This is the day that Sarah’s greatest wounds as a human happened as she witnessed her father’s crucifixion, her mother’s agony, her lineage’s persecution. This is the day her soul fragmented. This is the day she decided not to come into her body, not to complete her mission, not to speak her truth, not to support her lineage, not to open her heart to this earth or to other humans or to the divine because why should she
I looked up from my soggy wad of Kleenex, bleary eyed and red faced. My acupuncturist simply said: “Well then, let’s work on healing Sarah through your body today.” Like this was the most practical thing to do. Because from a soul’s perspective, it was.
I laid down on her table.
She placed needles around my head. It felt like I was wearing a sharp crown.
Next, she placed needles into my womb, whispering: “Go back to that day, hold Sarah there. Her fetus. See her umbilical cord and feel her being nourished again by life.”
She went to my feet, asked me to take a deep breath and then exhale as she pushed a needle into the bottom of my right foot. “Allow Sarah to release what she needs to release in order for her to feel her connection with the earth again.” She did the same to my left foot.
Then she moved to my right palm. She pushed a needle in and said, “Allow Sarah to feel her connection with humanity again.” She did the same with my left palm.
She finished with a needle in my heart. “Allow Christ to come and lay down in your body with Sarah and to show you both his experience of the crucifixion so Sarah can understand what really happened to her dad. And then ask Sarah to grow up with this knowing and grow into you.”
And then she left the room.
So I lay there, on Good Friday 2014 in a stark medical building in Houston, Texas with needles piecing my head, my feet, my hands, my heart and I began to feel and see another version of the crucifixion…
I felt and saw a human man whose body was being torn apart for teaching his truth, CHOOSE to open his heart not just to his own physical, emotional, and spiritual pain, but also to the pain wracking his wife, his unborn child, his mother, his friends…and then open it even wider to include his enemies and all of humanity, all of the animals, all of the earth, all of the cosmos, all of Divinity,
ALL of IT…
he Opened to.
His heart grew so bright that it was like the sun itself was bursting through his chest, its rays touching us all, reminding us what this whole crazy seemingly messed up gig is really about:
A Love so big, so bold, so fucking Real that nothing, not even death, can stand in It’s Way.
Sarah bowed her head with recognition. Sera opened her eyes with determination.
Now that, THAT is something we can all grow into.
(sculpture by Sophia Christine)